I am Batman!!!

I’m nervous. It’s only my first night out after all. I sit in the bat cave and stare at the 620″ screen in front of me. Just a Linux prompt for now. The cursor patiently blinking back at me. Calmly waiting for my command.

I fiddle with the control knob for one of the city’s street cameras.

“22 10, 22 10″ the police scanner blirps to life “10th and Broadway.”

The display to my left transcribes the words in cool green and behind me the tape deck spins to life recording every word. Bright white translation appears below the police code, “Routine traffic stop”. Some idle chit-chat back and forth between the dispatcher and the officer and the driver is sent on their way.

Things don’t normally heat up until about 1am. It’s only 11pm. I haven’t even put on the Bat Suit yet. I don’t want to put it on too soon. Sort of daring someone to do something so I can use it. It’s my first run. I guess I don’t even know if there will be a run. I haven’t decided if I should put it on before I hear something come over the scanner or not. Something serious enough for me to actually go out only happens about once a week according to Alfred.

He’s been monitoring the lines for the past three months. Recording data. Testing out the systems. Logging bugs for me to patch. I had to learn C++ in order to write all the programs to run this beast. Took me six months to get it all going. If it weren’t for Linux I’d still be hacking together the basic framework for the most rudimentary shell of my shiny new eye in the sky.

“Tea sir?” Alfred asks as the doors to the elevator close behind him and he enters the room. “I find it helps clear my head, what with all these humming monstrosities chirping away in this echoey old dungeon.”

“Thanks Alfred. No caffeine though…”

I sit back in my chair, and sip on the tea. Chamomile. Interesting choice. I would have chosen raspberry, but it’s hot and that’s all that matters. It was hell putting in the de-humidifiers for this beast. This cave is so dank, I was afraid it wouldn’t be good. Luckily I don’t have to worry about it over-heating since it’s constantly cold down here.

Hrm… I should come up with a name for this thing. It’s a monster. I’m Batman, so it should be… the Batmonster? Bat Mainframe? Batframe? Batachine? Bataputer? Batputer? Booter? Ba-

“4 11! 4 11!” A scared voice rings out over the scanner.

I know without looking, robbery in progress, shots fired, officer down. Probably going to be a high-speed chase. This is it!

Crap! I’m not in my suit!

I leap to my feet, chair goes flying off behind me into the darkness– and over the edge of the chasm 20 feet behind me, down into the depths of the cave splashing 150 feet below into a subterranian lake. CRAP. I KNEW I should have put in that railing…

I go bounding off towards the dressing room (batressing room?) tearing off my shirt as I go. I kick off my shoes and fight with my jeans as they get caught around my ankles.

Calm down.

I pull on the pants of the costume (Bat-ostume? Batsume? Hrmm… Bat Suit!) Erm… A bit tighter than I remembered. Am I going to look like a big gay idiot? Everyone’s going to laugh at me. I’m in skin tight pants. I might as well be naked. Is some big spandex guy trying to dress up like a bat really going to scare anyone?

Too late to think about that now, this is a serious situation. Plus I look awesome. I’m ripped like Arnold. I’m covered in spikes, and man look a that cape! The way it swishes when I move! Plus no one is going to see me long enough to notice anything other the fact that they just got punched in the face by a giant bat-dude.

Bah! Stupid gloves… Gotta remember, belt THEN gloves. This clasp is a pain. The fabric keeps getting pinched when I try and fasten it…

GO!

I run back to my car (Bat car? Bat wheels?) and jump in the open top, which slides sweetly shut over my head (watch the ears) and clicks closed with a satisfying sound (ka-CHINK!).

Press the big shiny red button, and everything jumps to life. The text of the police logs scrolling quickly fast and I can only barely keep up. My GPS blinks on and Alfred has already primed it with the details. The obligitory british woman’s voice serenely narrating my directions to me, estimating my arrival time at 20 minutes. It will all be over by then. I’ll drive really fast, like… 150mph… maybe more. I’ll get there in time…

I don’t. I get stuck on the free-way. Some sort of traffic jam. Semi-overturned. Some cop got a lucky shot off and ended the whole thing five minutes after I left the underground garage (bat-arage? Batcave?).

People are oggling the car (Bat ride? Batmobile!). I must admit it is amazing, but people aren’t really supposed to see it doing less than 90. I gotta find a better route or something…

I stick it out and cruise around downtown hoping lightning strikes twice. It doesn’t. I go home and go to bed. Being Batmans not going to be quite like what I expected…

———————————————————

This is based on the beginning of a dream I had last night. I dream I’m Batman, but all it ammounts to is that I can never seem to get to the place that the crimes are happening fast enough to do anything about them.

I have costume trouble, and it takes me forever to get out of the cave. Or I get stuck in traffic. Or it ends too quickly and I’m on the wrong side of town. The police are too good at what they do, and I’m not fast enough.

Hope you enjoyed…